In Australia we’ve got deadly animals a plenty We’ve got Funnel-web Spiders who’ll murder you and your family. Under every second rock is a Red Back Spider And they’ll kill you just cuz, I dunno, they’re bored or whatever. We’ve got invisible Brown Snakes – who’ll bite you on the foot – And you’ll be dead in 7 minutes. Just like that… Kaput. We got the world’s deadliest creatures all over the place. We’ve got Magpies who’ll steal the eyeballs from your face. But at least we don’t have AR-15’s. We’ve got Great White Sharks who’ll ascend from the deep – And rip ya in half with their razor-sharp teeth. We’ve got Saltwater Crocs who’ll death roll ya to death – and Sea Snakes, who’ll gladly snatch your last breath. We’ve got a Blue Ringed Octopus, no bigger than this – That just sits around in rock pools waiting to kill kids, And even the “Platypus” (a cute beaver duck thing) – Has got a spur on it’s ankle that’ll kill ya in one sting. But at least we don’t have AR-15’s – And at least they can’t end up in the hands, of psychopathic teens. We’ve got Stonefish and Stingrays and Sea Urchins and shit – And hectic fucking homicidal Box Jellyfish. And these jellyfish, they aren’t even sentient beings, they don’t even really do stuff, or know about things, They just float around on the whim of the currents, being pointless non-cognitive murderous cunts. And if that weren’t enough in terms of natural hazards, Here in Australia, THE SUN CAUSES CANCER! But at least we don’t have AR-15’s. And at least they can’t end up in the hands of – Suicidal teens. At least we don’t have an NRA Who spend millions of dollars every day, Buying off politicians not to change old laws. We’ve got Bull Sharks, Cone Shells Saltwater Crocodiles, Honeybees, European Wasps, and Blue Ringed Octopi’s – Death Adders, Bluebottles, Redback Spiders – Tiger Sharks, Tiger Snakes and Lizards that’ll bite ya! We got Sea Snakes, Taipans, Cassowaries, Copperheads – All the creatures of the land and sky and sea that want you dead! Toadfish, Stone Fish, Irukandji jellyfish – Bullants, Centipedes and Ticks that cause paralysis! Thank fuck we don’t have AR-15’s And thank fuck they can’t end up in the hands of Psychopathic suicidal teens. And thank fuck we don’t have an NRA, Who pay millions of dollars every day, Buying off politicians not to change some law. A law that was written 200 years ago – In a time when it took three minutes to reload, a single round of ammunition, and we knew nothing about depression, and you couldn’t fire 45 rounds in sixty seconds. And there wasn’t even such a thing as automatic weapons. And there weren’t 31 Mass-Shootings monthly. But what would I know, cause I’m from another country….
Oh hey! I am so glad that you’re here. We actually have something that we need to talk about. Or maybe you should just listen. We’re the same We just want to belong So let me explain in the form of a song What you’re ’bout to find out Got news to share So sit yourself down Get yourself prepared And If this is hard to hear Then you should hit replay Cause I can guarantee it’s harder for them to say Whoever sent you this Told me to say hello Give you a hug and kiss And also wanted you to know They’re gay And today is the day That you’re finding out Because they’re happy this way OH GAY Gay because There’s no reason, love’s always in season And love is love OOOOHHHH, love is love We’re all the same, we just want to belong So if you are ashamed of them then move along Cause the world is changing For the better, you’ll see So embrace the grace Of sexuality ’cause Everyone has a view But there is not a cure Don’t say they’re confused ’cause I’m gay myself and I’m very sure If you were sent this song By someone you care about Then you should clap along ’cause it’s their way of coming out They’re gay And today is the day That you finding out Because they’re happy this way OH GAY Gay because There’s no reason, love’s always in season And love is love OOOOHHHH, LOVE IS LOVE They could’ve robbed a bank Or stolen a car But all they’ve done Is love who they are And they want you to love them back How could you mad at that They’re allowed to be proud So let them sing it aloud They’re gay And today is the day That you’re finding out Because they’re happy this way OH GAY Gay because There’s no reason, love always in season And love is love OOOOHHHH, LOVE IS LOVE Life is better when you just remember That love is love That was fun! That was fun. But seriously though, they’re gay. Whoever sent you this, they’re gay. That’s exciting! But, you should actually talk about this. Go in there, give them like a big bear hug. Be like “I love you!! You’re the best! And you’re gay!” It’s good, you… Yes! You have a amazing day, alright? And… Shoot! Gay! Am I right? I don’t know. Alright, I’m gonna go. Bye, goodbye! Oh gay (puns haha)
We wish you a merry christmas, We wish you a merry christmas, We wish you a merry christmas, & a happy new year, good tidings to you where ever you are, good tidings to Christmas & a happy new year We wish you a merry christmas, We wish you a merry christmas, We wish you a merry christmas… & A HAPPY NEW YEAR! Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle All the way! Woof,Woof,Woof,Woof,Woof,Woof,Woof,Woof,Woof,Woof,Woof Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle All the way! Woof,Woof,Woof,Woof,Woof,Woof,Woof,Woof,Woof,Woof Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle All the way! Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sliegh! Oh, the weather outside is frightful,
But the fire is so delightful.
And since we’ve got no place to go,
Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Oh, it doesn’t show signs of stopping,
And I’ve brought some corn for popping.
The lights are turned way down low,
Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock
Jingle bells swing and jingle bells ring
Snowin’ and blowin’ up bushels of fun
Now the jingle hop has begun That’s the jingle bell rock! Have a holly jolly Christmas
and in case you didn’t hear Oh by golly have a holly
jolly Christmas this year! Rocking around the Christmas Tree
at the Christmas party hop Mistletoe hung where you can see
Ev’ry couple tries to stop Rocking around the Christmas Tree
Let the Christmas Spirit ring
Later we’ll have some pumpkin pie
and we’ll do some caroling Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas Just hear those sleigh bells jingling,
Ring ting tingling too Ha Ha Ha Woof, Woof, Woof Come on, it’s lovely weather
For a sleigh ride together with you Ha Ha Ha Woof Woof Woof Outside the snow is falling
And friends are calling “yoo hoo”, Lets go again Woof Woof Woof Ha Ha Ha! I’m gonna eat some candy canes, I’m gonna eat some chocolate too And lots, and lots, and lots, and lots, and lots, and lots of cookie dough I’m gonna eat a cheese ball and a big chocolate pudding Skip by yucky fruit cake and go straight for peppermint and sticky buns And pie Nog, nog, nog And cake Nog, nog, nog and nuts, And nog, and nuts And nog
And lots, and lots, and lots of fudge I’m gonna eat some gingerbread, Im gonna eat a popcorn ball and lots of peanut brittle, gobs of chocolate covered cherries, and lollipops and sugar plums Phew, well I’m stuffed
What’s for dessert? For we need a little Christmas
Right this very minute Candles in the window
Carols at the spinet And we need a little Christmas
Right this very minute
We need a little Christmas now Merry Christmas! Deck the house with christmas lights Woof, Woof,Woof,Woof,Woof, ‘Tis the season to be jolly Woof, Woof,Woof,Woof,Woof, Orange, yellow, red & green! Woof, Woof,Woof,Woof,Woof, It’s the best weve seen, Fa la la la la la la laaaa- Ah Rex That’s your line! WOOOOOOOOOFFFFF! Good dog…Woof! Moving through the snow on a crazy down hill ride! Over The Hill’s we go laughing while we slide haha Zomming down a lake jumping over a bush I’m not sure how to use these things well now I just can’t look ohhhh! Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way! Oh What Fun It is to swosh I wish we had a sliegh Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way! I think I got the hang of this oh look get out of the way Ha Ha HA! We Wish you a merry christmas, woof woof woof woof woof woof tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet & a happy new year! good tidings we bring to you & your kid’s good tidings to Christmas & a happy new year We wish you a merry christmas, We wish you a merry christmas, We wish you a merry christmas… That’s the spirt rex ha ha & a happy new year! Look at are big great christmas tree! The Best Looking Tree I ever did see & I cut it down all by myself well lets just say you were a lot of help! We can’t wait to decorate Lot’s of lights & stars that’s bright And ornaments, and tinsel and bows and popcorn…
And don’t forget the candy canes!
Oh yeah! It’ll be merry, I guarantee
‘Cause we found the perfect Christmas Tree! This thing fun? You Bet! Deck the hauls with lots of cookies! Fa la la la la la la la ‘Tis the season to make some goodies Fa la la la la la la la some for family friends and neighbors Fa la la la la la la la & Some for you to Rex Woof! It’s are favorite time of year Fa la la la la la la la Cookies are done now we can make some more Woof!
[DOORBELL RINGS] WHAT DO YOU WANT? I’M MISS HANDWRECK,
YOUR NEW PIANO TEACHER. MY NAME’S COURTNEY. HELLO, COURTNEY. WHY DON’T WE GO
TO THE PIANO? SHALL WE BEGIN? COURTNEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? TRYING TO FLY. BUT GIRLS CAN’T FLY. MA-HA! ALL RIGHT… NOW WHEN PLAYING
THE PIANO, THE FIRST THING
TO KEEP IN MIND IS YOUR POSTURE. YOU MUST SIT UP
STRAIGHT AND– COURTNEY? COURTNEY? MA-HA! PLEASE COME OUT
OF THERE! YES. YOU MUST ALWAYS
KEEP YOUR WRISTS HIGH, BACK ERECT, FEET FLAT
ON THE FL– UH… COURTNEY, WHY ARE YOU
HOLDING MY TONGUE? IT’S WET AND SHINY. THANK YOU. AND YOUR WRISTS HIGH,
BACK STRAIGHT. NO! MA-HA! I’LL TELL YOU WHAT, LET’S TRY A SIMPLE TUNE. WITH YOUR LEFT HAND, PLAY THESE NOTES. [PLAYING A SCALE] AAH! WHAT IS THAT? BABY. COURTNEY, YOU NEED
TO CONCENTRATE. CAN YOU DO THAT? MA-HA! OK. SO WITH
YOUR LEFT HAND, PLAY THESE NOTES. [PLAYING] ISN’T THIS PRETTY? AND ALL YOU HAVE TO– WHAT ON EARTH
ARE YOU DOING? SHAVE. I DON’T WANT
TO BE SHAVED! MA-HA! IF YOU PLEASE
PAY ATTENTION! JUST IMITATE
WHAT I’M DOING. [HUMMING] ♪ WHAT ARE YOU
POURING ON MY HEAD ♪ SOY SAUCE. MY HEAD DOES NOT ASIATIC
FLAVOR ENHANCEMENT! MA-HA! I AM TRYING
TO TEACH YOU HOW TO PLAY
THE PIANO LIKE THIS! [PLAYING
CLASSICAL MUSIC] MA-HA! AAH! THAT’S IT! GET OUT OF MY SHIRT! OUT! SHOO! I’M LEAVING! ENJOY LIFE
WITHOUT MUSIC! MA-HA! MA-HA YOURSELF! MA-HA! MA-HA! MA-HA! MA-HA! MA-HA! AAH! [DOOR CRASHES]
Where there’s a will,
There’s a way, Kind of beautiful.
And every night, Has its day,
So magical. And if there’s love,
In this life, There’s no obstacle.
That can’t be defeated For every tyrant,
A tear for the vulnerable. In every lost soul,
The bones of a miracle. For every dreamer,
A dream we’re unstoppable. With something to believe in. Monday left me broken
Tuesday I was through with hoping Wednesday my empty arms were open
Thursday waiting for love. Waiting for love. Thank the stars it’s Friday
I’m burning like a fire gone wild on Saturday Guess I won’t be coming to church on Sunday
I’ll be waiting for love, waiting for love To come around
SKY! -What Greg? I’M A BANANA! You’re a what?! I’M A BANANA! What happened to your clothes? I’M A BANANA! I’m a banana I’m a banana I’m a banana LOOK AT ME MOVE! YEAH YEAH I’m a banana I’m a banana I’m a banana LOOK AT ME MOVE! Ahh Ahh Banana power Banana power Banana power Pow pow pow weerrr weerr Banana power Banana power Banana power LO LOO LOOO LOOK AT ME MOVE Uh oh banana time Uh oh banana time Uh oh banana time STOP! -Onision’s Mating Call- STOP! -Onision’s Mating Call- STOP! Cart
Heart CHICKEN Chicken F***er Chicken F***er Chicken F***er STOP! LOOK LOOK LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME MOVE I’m a banana I’m a banana I’m a banana WOOOOOOOOO! O NI SI ON
(squeaky squishing) – What?! You challenged us to try
ASMR and we’ve turned it into a game called “Guess That Sound.” So right now, Devan,
there’s no way you are gonna to be able to guess this one, Devan. – I hear you loud and clear. – Three, two one. (crackly squishing) Oh, that sounds so bizarre. – [Devan] Oh, it’s Rice Krispies Treats, but you’re crunching them a little bit. – Nope. (wet squishing noises) – Wait, what? – Oh my gosh! – That sounded so cool! – That was one of the coolest sounds ever. (popping and crackling) – Ugh. My final guess is a squid. – Nope, it’s way sweeter than
that, Devan, pull it aside. – Okay.
– Honey! – What?
– It was a honeycomb! – Right, now we are on to the next one! Ugh! – Alright, that does
not sound like an ASMR calming, relaxing video, bro. – Ugh! – This is your first sound, Collins. – Okay! – You do. (tapping noise) (squishing) – Oh, I don’t like it. (popping) Ah, what? (airy squishing) What? I’m sorry, I mean, (quietly) what? I’m gonna go ground beef. – Interesting. You can pull back the curtain. – I’m kinda scared. – Ta-da!
– Ah! I thought you were gonna throw it at me. – It’s slime, bro.
– What? Dude, I thought I would’ve got that, like, right off the bat, dude, slime is so easy. How did I get that wrong? – I don’t know, but you got it wrong, so now on to the next round. – Oh my gosh. This is the craziest one yet, Devan. – Okay, are you safe? – Dude, I’m very safe right
now, but you might not be. – [Devan] What? – I don’t know. This is gonna be probably
more of an experience for me than it will be for you.
Alright, here we go. I just we just, aah. – I don’t hear anything. I hear you going aah. – That’s ’cause it hasn’t begun yet. Oh boy. Oh, it smells! Devan, Devan, take a listen. You ready? – Smells like salt, like the ocean. – [Collins] Take a listen. (slimy squishing and crackling) (Collins screaming) – Sorry.
– Ugh. – It’s a lot to handle. – That sounds really gross.
– Whew! (squishing) – Is it some sort of vegetable? – No, but it is a food. It is a food. – Ugh, dude, that sounds nasty. – I don’t know how much
longer I can do this one! Ready, here we go. Three, two, one. Take a guess. – Oh, you’re inside of a watermelon and like punching it, like. – You think I’m inside a watermelon? – Yes. – Do you want to try one more guess? – Yes. – Okay, go for it. One more guess, that’s it.
– Alright. It sounds like a loofah rubbing jell-o. – Alright, Devan. Pull back the curtain
on the count of three. Three, two, one. (both scream) – Here’s your first clue. (tapping and clunking) – It sounds like you’re knocking on wood. (squishing) – We’re going for it
all the way, you ready? Three, two, one. (squishing and squeaking) What? – Dude, it sounds like you’re
ripping something apart. – Oh my gosh, I’m like, so uncomfortable. Dude, you better just quit! Squash, a squash. – It’s not a squash, it’s a watermelon. – Dude. No points for me on this one. Alright Devan, you ready?
– I’m ready. – Oh man, this is gonna be interesting. (scraping and squeaking) This is the big leagues now, oh man. Here we go, three, two, one. But first, five second
subscribe challenge. We want to see if you can
subscribe to this channel and turn on the channel post
notifications in five seconds. Are you ready? Here we go. – Five, four, three, two, one, done. – If you can do that, comment down below Keyper Squad right now. (crunching) – Dude, I don’t even know. It could literally be
any fruit or vegetable. So it’s definitely
crunchy, say a jalapeno? – You are taking way too
long to get this, bro. We’re cutting this off. Here we go, the big reveal, you ready? Ta-da!
– What? – A cactus! Well, I took off all the spikes on it, so it was safe. And another point Devan does not get, so right now, we’re on to the next one. – I have to say, I don’t think you’re gonna get this at all, bro. This is gonna be really tough. Are you ready for this? – Oh dude, I’m totally ready. – Three, two, one. (slimy squishing) – Alright, what are your thoughts? – Oh, I don’t like it. I don’t like it at all. it makes me feel super uncomfortable. – Okay, how about this? (liquid pouring) – Oh my gosh, bro. Like, I’ve never felt more
uncomfortable from a sound. What is that?
– It sounds so weird. (slurping)
– It’s a food of some sort, because I can hear your mouth is full. You’re eating. Is it, like, noodles? – Yeah, you got it, yes! – Woo! Oh my gosh. – Yeah, the first sound was this. (squishing) Oh, it’s so gross.
– Oh my gosh. You ready, Devan?
– Yeah, I’m so ready. – Here we go. (scratchy scraping) (rustling noise) – Dude, it sounds like a
gerbil playing in the grass. – (laughs) Alright, well you know what, actually, I want to take it
to the next level right now. Here we go, got some of this. (scraping) – It sounds like a broom,
like the bottom of a broom. (water dripping) It’s a rainforest. – Whoa, oh no, no.
– What? – Is this part of the sounds? – It’s not a part of the sound, I promise. – Hey, what’s going on over there? – Nothing. – Did you spill something?
– No, dude. – Is it, like, foam or something? – Yes! Dude, it’s foam.
– It is, really? Yes! Oh, dude. – Watch, you take a block of it and I’ll take a block of it, ready? – Oh, it’s so satisfying.
– It feels so cool. Alright well, Devan somehow guessed it, but right now, guys,
we’re onto the next one. (shouting) – Three, two, one. (watery squishing) – What?
– Any guesses? – No guesses. Oh my gosh! I feel like this is a zombie movie and it sounds like brains. Ugh, it’s like (grunting). That’s my guess, keep going. (squishing) Yeah, I have no clue. I’m gonna say brains.
– Brains? – Brains is my final answer.
– Alright. Pull back the curtain. Hey, tomatoes! – For a second I thought
it was actually brains, because it was all red,
I was like, what is that? – Nope.
– Tomato? – Tomato, bro. – Alright, well I did not
get a point on that one. That sounds crazy. We’re onto the next one. Three, two, one. (scraping and ripping) Oh my gosh! I yelled right over the ASMR sounds because I got a little scared. Let me try this again. Prepare yourself for another
blast of ASMR soundiness. (ripping) – What? It sounds like beans are
falling, but it also sounds like something’s breaking at the same time. – I’m exhausted. (spaghetti cracking) (screaming) – [Devan] It’s something cracking! It’s something snapping. Maybe you’re cracking
noodles, is that what it is? – I have a lot of noodles.
– Yeah! – Alright, one more package. You should try to give it a good old twist and see how difficult it is. – Alright, I’m ready. – Unsheathe the noodles! (victorious shouting) – Three, two, one. – No, see, that’s the issue.
You just snapped it like that. You’re supposed to twist it. – It sounded awesome. – You didn’t get the full
noodle workout, Devan. Right now, it’s onto the next one. – Alright, Collins, it’s
time for the next one. You ready?
– Let’s do it. – Three, two, one. (popping, air releasing) (squeaking) – That sounded like
microphone feedback, what? – Alright, here we go, it continues. (metal scraping) This is the final thing. (liquid pouring) Oh dude, this stuff is crazy! (sloshing and clunking) This should give you a hint, Collins. This should give you a hint.
– Okay. (light scraping) What kind of hint is that? – Alright, you know what I’ll do? I’ll let you touch this one. Put your hand down, like underneath. Here you go.
– Okay. – And then, there it is. (shouting) – What is that? – What is it?
– It’s like a soup. – No, it’s not a soup, bro. Is that your final guess?
– Chicken soup. – It is a rattlesnake!
– What? – Yeah, dude. It’s actually a rattlesnake.
– No way. – I was, like, rattling the can around. You can kind of see the rattle in there. You definitely lost that one, bro. – Alright, Devan, you ready? – I am so ready.
– So here we go. So I’m actually gonna use a– (metal tinging) – What is that? – Alright, here we go, you ready? Hold on, I need to move something else. Alright, here we go. (metal tinging and scraping) – It sounds like a saw on wood! – A saw on wood?
– Yeah. Did I get it?
– Nope. Pull back the curtain, Devan. – What? – It’s a lemon on a cheese grater. – It sounds like a saw, bro. – Alright, right now
we’re onto the next one. I’m gonna enjoy some zesty lemons. – Alright, Collins. I am fairly confident you
are not going to guess this. One hundred percent. (slurping) Oh dude, it’s my turn. Three, two, one. (crackling) – It’s a food wrapper. – Nope, gotta guess again. – What? (honking) What? A toy duck?
– Nope. (squeaking) – What on earth, dude? What is this? Is it a goose or a geese? – Nope, it’s not. It’s a gnome! (laughing) I knew there was no way you
were gonna get it, dude. – Alright well, Devan, I guess you get the point on that one. Alright, Devan, so here’s
the next ingredient. This thing is going to be super
duper, duper, duper weird. – Okay. – Oh, I need to adjust my
microphone for this thing. (watery crinkling) – It’s got some plastic bits. (Collins sneezes) That was a sneeze. – It’s a walrus flying under the water. I have no clue.
– Well you were very close, because it’s actually cottage
cheese with a thingy thingy! I don’t know what this thing’s called, but it’s like a spinny,
spinny cookie thing. That’s delicious. – And I clearly didn’t–
– You don’t get a point, bro. – I know, I know. Alright, onto the next round. Alright, Collins, are you ready for this? – You’ve already started it, yes. (pained groaning) See, what
if I say I’m not ready? – Well then, we just, we wait. (crickets chirping) – Okay, I’m ready.
– Alright, here we go. The first sound. (crackling and popping) – It sounds like saran
wrapping, like stretched. I’m so stumped right now. – Here’s your last chance. Are you ready?
– Yes. – Three, two–
– No, I’m not ready. Okay, now I’m ready. – Alright, three, two, one. (cracking) – What? That last sound came out of nowhere. You eating a carrot covered in saran wrap? – Oh, wait, that’s a good idea. Alright. (chomping) – Oh, celery!
– What? No! Dude, the chew gave it away. Otherwise, I would’ve not gotten that. – I should not have done that. Oh, it sounds so cool! (loud cracking) – I didn’t do it as cool as you did. – Nope. – And I, like, broke all of them. Wow, it smells like celery right now. Alright, well right now
we’re onto the next one. Alright Devan, you ready?
– I’m so ready, bro. – Alright, here we go. Give me one second.
– Okay, one? What are you doing over there?
– Nothing. – Ready?
– I’m ready. (rustling and thumping) – What are you hitting, bro? It literally sounds like a horse, bro. – Really? – Yeah, it sounds like
a horse going nom, nom. – You might be right.
– Is it hay? It is actually hay? – Yes, it’s hay.
– It is. – You’re scaring me, bro. Just take the stuff off. – This is me, bro! The new and improved Collins. Alright, well I think you
get the point right now. – I can’t believe I got this right. It’s so random. – Now we’re onto the next one. – Alright, Collins. You got your headphones on? – Oh dude, I so have my headphones on. – Oh snap, here we go. Here’s your first sound,
you ready for this. Are you ready? Are you a pitbull or are
you Collins right now? – I’m both. I’m Collins. (snarling) – Alright, three, two, one. (rattling) – It sounds like either marbles or a thousand tiny little
ants with club shoes on. – Club shoes, what are those? – They’re shoes that
have like, I don’t know. – Maybe a party’s going on?
– Yeah. Oh man, what is that? It sounds, like, super familiar. Like from my childhood or something. You know what, I think I got it. Oh, what is it? It’s duck tape with sand. Sandy duck tape! – You’re out of time. It was this thing dude.
– Oh, I knew it! Imprints of your face,
be like it’s my nose. – Alright you didn’t
get a point on this one, so we’re on to the next round. – Take a listen, here we go. (squishing) – Dude, it sounds like a comb, but like a squishing rubber comb. – Is that your guess? A squishy rubber comb? – Yeah dude, I don’t know
what else it could be. Oh, it kind of sounds
like soggy mashed potatoes or something. – Pull the curtain back. – Oh, you’re not pulling it back? – No, you pull it back. – Hello.
– You covered it. So I was kind of right, it is made of some sort of plastic-y,
rubber material. – Alright, Collins, you
got your headphones on? – Uh-huh. – This is the next item,
you ready for this? – Oh, I’m so ready.
– Three, two, one. (scraping) – No way, what is this?
– Any guesses yet? – It sounds like you’re
peeling something almost. – You’re kind of close.
– I am? – I mean, it’s not totally wrong, yeah. – Wait, is that like a cracking? – Yeah, that’s a cracking. This is your last chance,
you ready for this? – Oh, I’m ready. – Three, two, one.
– Whoa! Oh dude, I got it, I got it. – What?
– A pencil? – Oh you got it, dude! – Oh my gosh, I recognized
the sound of it. – You got it. – Finally, another point. Alright, right now
we’re onto the next one. This next one, Devan. You think you’ll be able to get it? – I’m ready.
– Alright, here we go. – I’m Batman.
– I’m not. (crinkling) – Oh, is that, like, cat food? (meowing) That’s a really bad impression, bro. – That’s a horrible cat impression. Cat ASMR. (squeaking) – What was that?
– It’s like what cats do. Like (grunting). Right? Take a listen to this, Devan. – I don’t know, little rubber beads? – That would be a nope! Yeah!
– What? I can’t believe that
that sounds like that. Dude. It sounds like something’s popping. – For sure. – That doesn’t sound
like it’d be this thing. – No points for you again. But right now, we’re onto the next one. – I’m not even mad. (whispering) Hey, Collins. Are you ready? – Uh-huh. – This is the first sound. (scraping and squeaking) – Is it, like, a balloon? It’s like the top of a can being twisted, like a plastic can? – You got it wrong. – It’s a Starbucks cup, bro!
– What? – No way, that’s crazy. – I would not have expected that at all. Oh wait, I wanna hear what it sounds like when you open it up, you ready for this? Three, two, one. – Whoa, dude, what was that? This is all about the calm. The relaxing elements of ASMR. (unintelligible shouting) – Was that a toy megaphone? Oh it is, I got it right! – This is how our final challenge works. We’re going to hear an ASMR sound and then we have to use
the items in front of us to figure out which item made that sound. Whoever gets it first,
they win this final round. So play the new sound. Wait, three second like challenge. We want to see if you can like this video in three seconds, are you ready? Here we go, three, two, one, done. (metallic ringing) – Wait, what? – How are we gonna get this? Alright, here we go. Three, two, one, go. – It’s this thing. Hello, hello. (accordion and horn noises) – It’s like ASMR overload right now. (horn honking and air blowing) – I think I got it. (metal ringing) Are your ears ringing like mine are? – My ears are okay. Alright, let’s keep going bro. Holy cow. – Oh no.
– Yes! – What, no, no, no!
– This has gotta be it. – No, maybe it’s this thing. – Here we go, three, two, one. (metal clinging) – Oh, wait a second. I think it’s mine, bro. – No, it’s gotta be mine. – Okay, the only way to decide is we have to go back and listen to the sounds one more time. Play it one more time. (metallic ringing) – Darn it.
– Yes! It was totally mine! – Really? – I have won the challenge, yes! Oh, and we’ve got merch! And just imagine how
cool you’re gonna look wearing the Keyper Squad merch. So click the top link in
the description right now to get your merch before it all sells out. (both screaming) It’s an octopus, Devan! – Devan out, bro! – Alright, well Devan
did not get this one.
I do a lot of college shows, which, it’s fun,
but you have to spend a lot of time with college kids, and you forget what they’re like
because we keep them quarantined during that portion
of their life. But they’re, oh… There’s no consequences
for college kids. You can just walk in front
of oncoming traffic like a complacent Clark Kent. They’re just adorable,
with their MacBook Pros and their wrong opinions
on things. You know what I mean?
It’s just, like… People always give teenagers
a tough time, but, like, at least teenagers
know they’re children. Whereas college kids
will just walk up, like, “What’s up? My name’s Devin,
or something stupid. “Let’s talk about the economy, even though I’ve never paid
an electricity bill.” It’s like, no. Slow down, Atlas Shrugged,
I don’t need your… I don’t know, it’s… I’m not trying
to sound judgmental. I remember,
when I was in college, I was just a terrible person. One of the worst things
I did in college was, I was prescribed to a drug
called Adderall, which you guys… You guys party, right? Yeah. (applause) I didn’t like the effect
Adderall had on me, so I decided to stop taking it, but I kept filling
the prescriptions, because apparently
there’s, like, a huge market among college kids. So I sold it,
so I was a drug dealer, but in, like, the least gangster
way possible, right? Just, like, hanging out
in the quad between classes, like, “Hey, youngblood, hey. You want to get high? Grades?” I was the only person on campus
selling it, too, which was… I met a lot of interesting
people. There was one girl who was
trying to sleep with me to get free Adderall. Attention whore. (groaning and laughter) It’s more for me than for you,
that’s fine. That’s okay, that’s okay. The thing about college is, when you’re in college,
it makes sense, but when you go back
and visit college as a grown-up, it’s crazy. Like, I realize, at this point, I don’t even know how to explain
how college works without it sounding like
I’m pitching a sadistic concept for a reality show. It’s like, “All right,
here’s what we do. “We take human beings
during the four years “we’re the most physically
attractive and sexually able, “and then we put them
in an all-expenses-paid resort “with no supervision
and limitless booze, and then see if they can learn,
huh?” To… When you’re
a no-name comedian, to get booked to do
college shows, you have to do these things
called NACA conventions. They’re these giant weekend-long
conferences where you go and you showcase
for student bookers from, like, hundreds of schools. But because college kids
are so progressive, a lot of the other acts are people who talk about how
they’ve overcome persecution for their ethnicity,
for their sexual orientation, for disabilities, and then me. And here’s the thing about me, my appearance evokes
many feelings. Sympathy is not one of them,
you know what I mean? No one wants to hear
about the plight of a guy with resting rich face. It’s just not very,
not very compelling. There’s no one in the audience,
like, “I want to hear more
about his Kampf,” or whatever it’s called,
and, uh… (laughter) Well-read crowd, all right. The thing is, for me, the contrast makes it
very challenging, because I’ll be sitting
backstage and I’ll hear the performer
in front of me come out. And he’s like,
“Hey, what’s up, y’all? “Let me tell you what it’s like being a sassy transgender
Muslim,” right? And the crowd just explodes. Like, “Yeah, you’re my spirit
mammal,” right? And then she just crushes
for 15 minutes, talking about overcoming
adversity and early-onset Parkinzheimer’s,
and then… I’m next, and I walk onstage, and even though they’ve never
seen me before, I’m how they already pictured the bad guy from her stories,
right? The crowd, not on my side,
sea of contempt, just the death glare from a thousand
gender studies majors. They’re just like,
“All right, okay. “So what’s your struggle, huh? Talk about your hardships.” It’s like, “Uh… “People incorrectly assume
I’m good at lacrosse? Like, I don’t…” You know what I mean? That’s why I’m not edgy
as a comedian. I feel like I’m just
too privileged-looking to have an opinion,
you know what I mean? Like, I can’t walk onstage
and be like, “Black people…” It’s like,
“Whoa, there, boat shoes. “No, no, no, no, no,
uh-uh. “You don’t get to have
a bold stance on race “and the keys to your parents’
lake house. That’s not how this life works.” I don’t know, I feel like,
as a white person, that whenever I bring up race, it just sounds a little bit
racist, you know what I mean? Like, I used to do
recruiting work, and they’d send me around
the country, and this one time, I ended up at a career fair
at Dartmouth College. And while I was there, I saw
this girl walking around who was African-American,
very attractive, and she looked exactly like
this girl I went to school with. And I really wanted
to tell her that, but then a voice in my head was,
like, “Yeah, don’t. Don’t say that,” right? Because, best-case scenario,
all she is going to hear is, “Oh, cute, Zack Morris thinks
all black people look the same.” Right? So it’s like… So I ended up talking to her
anyway, and we chatted
for a little while, and I mentioned
where I went to school. And she goes,
“Oh, Rice, um, long shot, but did you have a class
with my identical twin sister?” And I was like,
“Wow, that’s crazy. “I was going to say something, but I thought I’d sound racist
because you’re black.” And she was like,
“No, but now you do.”