BDG

*hydraulic machine noises* Fallout. This scrappy,
billion-dollar franchise takes a fun, kooky look at planet-wide armageddon. It’s an alternate
history, splitting off from our timeline somewhere around World War II. Despite the divergence,
Fallout features some familiar real world culture and plenty of cultural innovation.
There are new architectural styles that are stolen from Mad Max. And plenty of cool new
fashion that is also just ripped off from Mad Max. And yet, even with this cultural
innovation, Fallout has one massive problem. And there’s only one problem with the Fallout
series right now. Other than that, the Fallout series is doing just fine. D-despite this one. It’s just the one of them. Why, Todd, is the music still this? *audio from three
Fallout songs played simultaneously* The same dozen songs from before the apocalypse. You’re telling me that humans figured out how to make a gun that turns you into goo, and yet
they haven’t made any new music? That’s garbage, Todd. Fallout is a meditation on
mutation and the ways that humanity and culture evolve to meet new challenges, and having music that stays the same the whole time is a plot hole. War never changes. But music
should. And today, I’m going to change it. *tech montage music playing* Ooh! This is
a new dance move for me. I don’t know if I like it yet. Now, you may think that Fallout’s
music is fine. It fits the aesthetic, and it adds a sense of retrofuturism. But you’re wrong, and here’s why. The Fallout games range in time from 2102, the year of Fallout 76, to 2287, the year of Fallout 4. That’s a span of 185 years. Imagine for a second
that our musical sensibilities hadn’t been updated in nearly two hundred years, and the
current song topping the Billboard charts was The Alphabet Song, a song literally written
about 185 years ago. Actually, that kind of sounds possible. Modern times are weird. What I’m saying is that if 80% of humans died today, in 100 years, we’d still have Old Town
Road, but it would have a few more remixes. Do you really think that if the world ended
in 1997, our culture would linger over “Barbie Girl” and “Tubthumping”? That we would be
complacent with the cultural detritus of euro-techno, manufactured pop, and third-wave ska? NO! And yet it seems the people of Fallout have forgotten how to make music. Fallout 76 is littered with instruments and bandstands and stages, but by the time you get to Fallout
3, the only instrument left is a Stradivarius violin locked in a vault surrounded by mirelurks. Fallout 76 also has the highest track count, nearly twice as many as all of the other games,
which implies that these tracks are being lost over time, and nothing is there to replace it. Only two people in the entire 185-year-span of these games are making new songs. The first
is a synth that makes the same bluesy style as the rest of the music. It’s good but it’s not different. The other is a burnout DJ who does not seem to know how to sing or play an instrument. And yet he still insists on playing a guitar, which goes to prove that
even in the apocalypse, you can’t escape the guy who will bring his guitar to your party. Thank god the bombs went off before “Wonderwall.” People need food to eat, sure,
and, you know, clothes to cover their sinful bods so that makes sense that those areas
have continued to flourish. But Fallout is a world where people have ignored the basic
human endeavor of making art. I won’t stand for that! We need art because of its fundamental
importance to human expression. Songs were made long before written language to help
keep stories alive, and they’d be added to and embellished, much like the cultural touchstone
of our time, TVTropes.org. Science may improve our health and longevity, but art is what makes long life worth living. And that’s why I am here — to scientifically improve
on this art, and synthesize a totally new genre of music that we should be hearing in the Fallout universe. This genre should be inspired by the music landscape and culture of Fallout’s world. Any cultural step that goes One Step Beyond current accepted standards risks alienating its audience by being too challenging, too intelligent. So let’s guide our creation by considering the 10 definitive purposes of music and how they fit into the
beautiful wasteland of Todd’s mindscape. First, to create or control emotion. From the soaring, triumphant music of Jurassic Park to the ice cream truck version of “Pop
Goes the Weasel,” which, for reasons I don’t
understand, always makes me cry. Evoking emotion is the number one use for music. So what does that mean for Fallout? Well, one thing the
soundtrack does get right is the upbeat tempo of most of the songs. It cheers up the experience
of playing through the wasteland. Except for the miserable, inescapable energy of “Johnny
Guitar.” Play it again, my Johnny. In the wasteland, you need something to rev you up,
keep you moving. And that’s why this new genre will only feature peppy songs. Two: remembering
or sharing information. These can be simple mnemonics like Schoolhouse
Rock! Or classic story ballads like Kesha’s “TiK ToK.” I actually believe these will be
more important than emotions just because written language seems to be pretty dead in
the future. It’s all on abandoned computers or in diaries safely tucked up in a skeleton’s
ribcage. Up-to-date information is transmitted verbally, and think about how much further it could go if it was sung. Even an S.O.S. signal gets more traction if it comes with
a little ditty, and I learned that from Rihanna. Three: Entertainment. *cheesy music plays* Four: Jingles. In other words, propaganda. Commercial jingles are designed to make you
remember brands, and political songs fit here, too. Because what is the “Star Spangled Banner”
if not America’s jingle? Despite the amount of remnant advertising for companies like Nuka-Cola and Radiation King, the only jingles that remain in Fallout are the ones on Gene Autry’s spurs. *(I Got Spurs That) Jingle, Jangle, Jingle plays ominously* In the song he says his spurs jingl- Fallout does have a few antiquated political songs on Enclave Radio, but as Plato said: “Any musical innovation is full of danger to the whole State… when modes of music change, the State always changes with them.” Thank you, Plato. The transitive property means that
the opposite must be true as well. Fallout’s state has very much changed,
and so too should the music. So our music genre should be catchy to the point of propaganda. You hear this song once, and you know the hook and exactly what it wants you to do. Five: To mark time rhythmically in a group, like a chain gang or rowing. An underlying theme of Fallout is a disruption of low-wage labor systems. Half the locations are robot
warehouses or Nuka-Cola factories or the industrial goo pit where The Joker was made. In the 2100s, commerce is no longer the main structure around which a human’s life is organized. So fuck the Man, and fuck the beat
he made you drum to. The Man was beating you down, so
we’re gonna focus on the up-beats. The off-beats. Something more syncopated. This isn’t to say we’re going to get overly complicated with 7/4s and 15/8 time signatures. Those time signatures only belong in math rock, which is to say in the garbage. We’re taking back
4/4 from the Man and we’re making it our own. Six: Tradition music, to mark events or occasions. This can range from singing “Auld Lang Syne” on New Years to playing “Pop Goes the Weasel” whenever one of your pet weasels died when you were a kid. THAT’S WHY. They’re just songs that usher in a specific moment, like an alarm. But most cultures in Fallout don’t
seem to use them. At the end of the quest “A Nice Day for a Right Wedding,” there is a wedding but no wedding march. And in the quest “For Auld Lang Syne,” they do
not play “Auld Lang Syne.” Which means there’s a real opening to be the only tradition song for every holiday in Fallout. It may seem lame to force a tradition song, like making all of your friends call you by a nickname you gave yourself, but if you believe that
every tradition song came about naturally, you’re naive. You think Vitamin C didn’t know that the graduation song would become a once-a-year cash cow? That when Green Day
was writing “Good Riddance” they weren’t thinking “Some sitcoms are gonna have to
end someday.” Tradition songs can be crafted, and our first song in this new genre will fit this bill. Seven: Ambient music or background music. A.K.A. Chill anime beats to study and relax to. Nobody in Fallout is studying or relaxing. This one is a guide on what not to do in our new genre. Our genre should be present and aggressive, and when you’re listening to it, you are listening to it. Eight: To create or maintain social groups. Without labor to constrict a person’s time or movement, people organize into social,
cult-like gangs, which makes this category a big one. You’ve got LARPers, the AV club,
the rude boys, all of which have their own cultural standards. But there is a distinct
lack of punks, which came about through a shared political consciousness expressed through
music. But we can be that, we just need to include identity-establishing lyrics that
appeal to all denizens of the Wasteland. Perhaps this genre will help unify all of the many
warring factions. Or at least create a new, very cool warring faction. Number nine: Stimulating
physical movement. Dancing. There is no dancing in Fallout! Well, there are a few sex workers in Fallout New Vegas that dance, but it kind of just looks like the dancing baby gif, so
I don’t think that should count. And Fallout 76 hasn’t included a singular dancing emote.
All they have are things like “smoking kills” and “join my polycule?” This is probably
to avoid overlapping with Fortnite, which does have a pretty long head start on dancing
emotes. So for the sake of originality, I had my research assistant, Google, find all of the dances that haven’t been included in Fortnite yet. It’s just a Regency-era quadrille,
and skanking. We will make it work. And the tenth purpose of music is to use it as a crutch
when you can’t think of a different way to end a video. Actually, I don’t think this
one really applies to the Fallout universe, so I’m just gonna take it off. So with our
nine definitive purposes of music, we can begin to build our genre. And the more I’m
thinking about these nine purposes, the more I’m realizing that Fallout has the opportunity
to create the perfect genre. One not tied down to the whims of society. But I’m getting
ahead of myself. The current music in Fallout is overwhelmingly jazz standards and rhythm and blues, so we’ll incorporate elements from those genres. We’ll have heavy beats, syncopation,
rhythm guitar, and honestly, any instrument that fits in a mobile wasteland setting. So
no pianos, but any marching instrument, like trumpets and trombones. Things that stand
up to roughing it and also would appeal to the Brotherhood of Steel. Another thing these
jazz standards excel at is having a powerful, catchy melody sung by a main vocalist, but
since it’s hard to maintain your safety as a loner in the wasteland, we can have a
lot of backing vocalists, too. If you can carry a gun, you can carry a tune. In terms of topics for the songs, we’ll keep the themes relevant to the people of Fallout, which based
on my experience seems to be freedom from tyranny, looting, and drinking so I can be
stronger and carry more loot. Now, we mix together these in-fiction elements with our
nine definitive purposes of music. One: We’re gonna make people happy. Needs to be Jeep
commercial music. Yeah, your wife just got eaten by a yao guai, but listen to that skiffle. Two: All of our heroes are dead. So it’s time to make new heroes. How else are we gonna
know how many beers Janice drank last week, or how far Kevin’s head went flying when
a super mutant tagged him with a fire hydrant. Three: Bangers only. Four: What should I do
with the information about how many beers Janice drank? Tell me. This is music for the
scavenger, not the assembly line worker. There’s a whole world of useful scrap out there, and
this music should inspire you to get out there and pick it up! Six: The old ways are dead!
And we’ve gotta make new songs to celebrate the new ways. There is no song for when your
Swamp Itch clears up. But there should be. Seven: Background music? NO. This is FOREGROUND
MUSIC. Eight: Fallout is a world divided, awaiting a messiah of music to bring them
all together or at least inspire them to wear cooler clothes. Nine: The music should inspire
dances that are violent and rushed, just like the world you’re in. Yeah, your fists are
used for melee, but that leaves your feet and your elbows open to fuckin’ jam! You starting to imagine it? You starting to hear those first few notes in your head? THAT’S GOOD! What are we gonna call this new genre that is peppy! Informational! Good! Catchy! Pick
up loot! Traditional! In your face! Punk! Kicks! Energetic! Educational! Fun! Sticks
in your head! Pick it up! For your cousin Ben’s wedding! Right there! Society. *dancing
noises* Spicy! Slaps hard! Pick it up! Propaganda. Arbor Day! Pick it up! Fuck you, Philip Glass! Pick it up! Let’s all wear the same shoes! *repeating “DANCE!” and “PICK IT UP” over
and over* Pick it up! *heavy breathing* Did I just make Ska again? *Ska music starts* You spend your life living in a vault, and
your mind begins to crack. And when you get outside, there’s nothing to welcome you back. She found me passed out in a rundown shack with Nuka Buzz in my hand. She picked me up and she slapped my face, and said “Come on let’s start a band!” She said: START THE MUSIC,
Pick up loot, get off your ass! If you don’t feel the Brotherhood of Steel,
join the Brotherhood of Brass. She said: START THE NEW, War never changes,
that’s a bore! You know we’ll eclipse the apocalypse with a loud and brassy SKALLOUT WAR. SKALLOUT WAR! SKALLOUT WAR! SKALLOUT WAAAAAAAAR! SKALLOUT WAR! I’ve never skanked
so hard in my life.